Cookie? comes free with foot-in-mouth.

Female Customer 1: "Oh wow... these cookies look good."
Female Customer 2: "Yeah."
Me: "They have soooo much fat in them"
Female Customer 1: "....."
Female Customer 2: "....."
Me: "Uhh... yeah. A girl who used to work here told me. It's like a slice of death!"
Female Customer 1: "....."
Female Customer 2: "....."
Me: "four dollars fifty, thanks.... heres your change......... see you 'round"

And by the way, customers never come into the shop as fast as they do when I've just sat myself down and started eating something. Regardless of how quiet it has been all day.

Shittin' Pretty.

Working at a petrol station doesn't have a lot going for it. The job basically involves standing behind a counter and serving customers, as well as sweeping and stacking the fridge when you get a spare minute, and other assorted jobs that make you want to shoot yourself (dusting pringles, anyone? The same pringles. Every fucking shift!).

All of these jobs though, still leave you in view of the door and pumps, so you know when someone comes into the shop, who's filling up, and you can authorise pumps if anyone needs petrol.
There is one terrifying thing that you have to do, that takes you away from the shop, away from the view of the customers, and into a dark, dingy place where you cannot hear and where noone can hear you scream.
That thing is taking a shit.

It's somewhat of an artform. Generally you glance outside and make sure there arent any people walking towards the shop. Make sure there arent any cars around that look suspiciously like they will need petrol. Keep your eye out the window and back steadily towards the 'staff only door' that leads to the toilet. Take one last furtive glance and dash to the pooper, unzipping as you go. Kick open the door and with your pants half down, shuffle awkwardly across the floor and plonk yourself down.

Commence your dirty business with a haste showing total disregard for your bowels well-being. Think you have time to relax and enjoy this shit? Hell no! 15 customers just rolled up to the pumps and are looking menacingly towards the window, wondering why the fuck the pump aint' working.
Taking your time reading the specifications on the oils stacked around you in the toilet? A squadron on teenage shoplifters just ran into the shop, vaulted the counter, and are making off with the confusing 'Rum'n'Port, Xtra Milde Shage Tobacco' that never sells!
All of the worst scenarios run through my mind when i'm all alone, pooping at work in that little room, and I always rush back out, tucking, adjusting, and zipping (I snagged my wang in my fly once, so occasionally swearing) to burst into a completely empty shop.

I have a job interview on Tuesday. Maybe this furious, stressful shitting will soon be a thing of the past.

-j

Spring Phone-Cleanin'

My old mobile phone held a total of 10 messages before its meagre memory filled up and you had to start a-deletin'. I don't know about anyone else, but I have a tendency to get somewhat attached to certain messages. My new phone holds 150 messages before it starts crying to be cleared, and I still have the same trouble.
Heres a few (anonymous) chestnuts from this delete, taken completely out of context for added hilarity.
- just swim in your underwear! :P
- practise my meagre carnal skills
- as soon as I get the products, i'm giving you a manicure!
- Mainly waxing...
- I'm gunna make you, Brad and Steve screw ugly chubbies!
- I dropped a bowl of pasta
- I've just been arrested
- I might have a bit of a problem sitting down.
- Aww... wanna shag me then?
- She's an evil bitch-monger from hell!
- Sorry mate, I have to romance my girl.
- Exciting chops
- I could really use some 'fizzy-good make feel nice' right about now...
- You pimpin on my birthday?!
- We're trying to cut a deal with the taxi driver and I don't think he likes it.
- Grab some blondes and beer and head round!
- Maybe the coughing thing isnt that sexual.
- Come clean my place!
And the lovely:
- Keep 'em off your turnips.

Admittedly, the whole 'taking it out of context' is more confusing than amusing... now that i've written it all out I realise it isn't that funny! But oh well... it's another entry and i'm not re-writing it!
-j

Spring Phone-Cleanin'

My old mobile phone held a total of 10 messages before its meagre memory filled up and you had to start a-deletin'. I don't know about anyone else, but I have a tendency to get somewhat attached to certain messages. My new phone holds 150 messages before it starts crying to be cleared, and I still have the same trouble.
Heres a few (anonymous) chestnuts from this delete, taken completely out of context for added hilarity.
- just swim in your underwear! :P
- practise my meagre carnal skills
- as soon as I get the products, i'm giving you a manicure!
- Mainly waxing...
- I'm gunna make you, Brad and Steve screw ugly chubbies!
- I dropped a bowl of pasta
- I've just been arrested
- I might have a bit of a problem sitting down.
- Aww... wanna shag me then?
- She's an evil bitch-monger from hell!
- Sorry mate, I have to romance my girl.
- Exciting chops
- I could really use some 'fizzy-good make feel nice' right about now...
- You pimpin on my birthday?!
- We're trying to cut a deal with the taxi driver and I don't think he likes it.
- Grab some blondes and beer and head round!
- Maybe the coughing thing isnt that sexual.
- Come clean my place!
And the lovely:
- Keep 'em off your turnips.

Admittedly, the whole 'taking it out of context' is more confusing than amusing... now that i've written it all out I realise it isn't that funny! But oh well... it's another entry and i'm not re-writing it!
-j

Our love is like a honey baked ham.

This last week I copped no shifts at all at BP. I mean, i don't exactly love the job, but theres $240 odd dollars that i'll never get, and thus won't end up in the pockets of the bar-people and hookers of Albury.

I truly have no idea why, but my room is full of damned mosquito's. If i disturb any pile of clothes a group of 6 or more fly around for a while before settling on a different pile. It's an odd situation, but it means that even when it's freezing cold, i sleep with the fan pointed at me so i'm not eaten alive by the little bastards. If i've had a big night on the booze, I wake up having slept with my mouth wide open with a fan blowing in it all night long. Not pretty.

It's 3 days til Valentines Day. In the words of Fry: "I forgot to get a girlfriend again". At least thats how i like to look at it... sure... i forgot...

-j